Cold feet happen to the best of us. Before you spill each and every fear to your future-spouse, consider an approach that can spare their feelings and your relationship. Married at First Sight’s Dr. Pepper and Pastor Calvin offer a four-step plan to admitting there’s trouble in paradise.
Step 1: Figure out your feelings
When cold feet surface, confessing your feelings can seem like the best option. And it might be, but only if you’ve really considered the consequences.
“If you’re just wondering out loud if you’re right for each other, that’s a painful thing to hear,” says Dr. Pepper Schwartz. “You should only admit to uncertainty if you’re willing to see the marriage be either delayed or cancelled.”
Before you let your partner in on any doubts and risk the relationship altogether, try to differentiate a fear of commitment (so common!) from a hunch that you’d be better off without them (not so common). Talk through your feelings with your best man or maid of honor, and be receptive to their opinion of your union. Jot down a list of things that make you excited about your future with your spouse. Now try to imagine your life without him or her. How do you feel?
If it looks like a typical case of pre-wedding jitters, great! Turn down the volume on that nervous chatter in your head. If it feels like something more serious, let your partner know it’s time to talk.
Step 2: Start talking
You may have heard of the compliment sandwich, a technique that sandwiches criticism between bits of goods news to soften the blow. It can come in handy when initiating a conversation about engagement anxiety.
Pastor Calvin Roberson says, “Begin an open dialogue by reaffirming your love and desire to be together. A spoonful of sugar always helps the medicine go down.” Next, be honest about your hesitations. Give your partner the chance to respond, and really listen to his or her feelings. You might be surprised by what you hear.
“Often individuals don’t want to mention cold feet for fear that their intended spouse will feel unloved or worried they’re having second thoughts,” Roberson explains. “Most of the time, if you share your feelings with your mate, you’ll see that they feel the same way.”
If your partner is truly caught off guard, be respectful of their emotions. Try to stay levelheaded while giving them the space to process your doubts, as well as their own feelings.
Step 3: Take action
After an honest conversation, you’ll likely know if there’s a cure for your cold feet. This is the time to address the issues causing pre-nuptial nerves. Some (substandard housekeeping skills) might be easier to solve than others (jealousy), but self-reflection, a change in habits and even couples counseling can bring you closer together. There’s hope for a happy ending, so long as you’re both willing to work toward it. “The key is to discuss, resolve and move forward, and not give cold feet more power than it deserves,” reminds Roberson.
Step 4: Create your happily ever after
Sometimes pre-wedding worries intensify with time. Maybe you’ve sat side by side on a therapist’s couch and talked yourselves blue in the face, but you still aren’t ready to take the plunge.
“It’s one thing to be scared and another to feel an impending sense of doom or feel trapped,” says Dr. Schwartz. “You should never go through with the ceremony if you feel like you’ve boxed yourself into the wrong situation.”
Yes, you might lose deposits on a venue and caterer. And yes, telling your guests can be embarrassing. Just remember that you wouldn’t be the first person to call off a wedding. Dr. Schwartz explains, “It’s a lot better to have to return gifts than to be depressed and end the marriage in a short period of time. It’s not fair to your fiancé, either. He or she deserves to be marrying someone who loves him or her and is thrilled to be creating a lifetime union.”
Roberson adds that calling quits on an ill-fated relationship may in fact be your happy ending: “You may decide to wait, in which case you’ve saved yourselves a world of hurt. This is when cold feet are most beneficial.”
More likely, a candid conversation will see your cold feet thaw. And one day you’ll tell your great-grandkids that you almost didn’t make it down the aisle, and laugh.