The honeymoon phase is officially over. The Married at First Sight couples are now transitioning into real life as husband and wife, disagreements and all.
In the few weeks they’ve gotten to know each other, the couples have attempted to navigate their first conflicts with varying degrees of success. But whether they weathered the storm or not, all benefitted from guidance by the show’s relationship experts.
Rachel DeAlto, the couples’ on-call communication guru, shares five tips for fighting fair at any stage in a relationship.
1. Know when to hit pause
The old adage “never go to bed angry” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes, walking away from an argument can lead to the best resolution.
“You want to make sure everyone’s in the most cool, calm and collected position to talk,” says DeAlto. Along with the three C’s, she suggests the two S’s: sleep and sober up. When it comes to difficult conversations, DeAlto cautions: “Nothing good happens after midnight or a bottle of wine.”
Instead of fighting fire with fire, pause the disagreement until emotions cool. “You can table it with a respectful statement like, ‘I think we should discuss this at a time when we’re calm enough to have a good conversation,” says DeAlto. Just be sure to continue the exchange once you’re both ready to talk, because ignored problems will inevitably resurface.
2. Use technology sparingly
It can be tempting to send a passionate text or an apologetic email after face-to-face communication breaks down. She admits technology is unavoidable, but DeAlto suggests good, old-fashioned voice messages when attempts at contact are unanswered. “If you need a resolution and your partner isn’t contacting you, get it out in a voicemail. Have your tone, inflection, authenticity and earnestness come through,” she says. Without your voice to narrate, written messages leave too much room for misinterpretation.
3. Start with a happy ending
The key to settling an argument is approaching it with an end goal in mind. DeAlto recommends leading the conversation with a desired outcome for you both as a couple, rather than as individuals.
DeAlto explains, “It’s often very much ‘I hate the way you do this,’ or ‘You never do that.’” Although we may feel that way, reframing the issue can inspire a healthier dialogue. “By saying things like, ‘Let’s overcome this challenge’ or ‘Let’s talk about how we can handle this in a way that brings us together,’” DeAlto explains, your partner is less likely to go on the defensive. “You have to think on a ‘we’ basis if your intention is to preserve the relationship.”
4. Accept that questions wield more power than threats
“Any time you create an ending-inducing sentence, it detracts from the stability of the relationship,” DeAlto warns. Comments like “this would be a deal breaker” or “I’d leave you if…” turn the focus to the relationship’s possible breakdown rather than the issue at hand.
When you’re trying to gauge someone’s beliefs or feelings, ask questions without judgment and leave room for honest answers. “What are your thoughts on kids?” can lead to a constructive discussion. On the other hand, “Not wanting kids is a deal breaker” can quickly spark conflict, even if both partners ultimately share the same beliefs.
And whatever you do, don’t make threats if you see a future together. “Saying that you’re over the relationship, claiming you’re ‘done’ with your partner, and threatening divorce are all relationship killers,” stresses DeAlto. Rather than getting what you want, you could undermine the entire relationship.
5. Open up your heart – and your shoulders
According to DeAlto, body language is as important as the words that come out of our mouths. “If you smile while you tell me you can’t stand me, my subconscious will translate that message differently,” the expert says. So while protective instincts can draw the arms in and across the chest during an argument, that stance can suggest detachment or even aggression.
Instead, set an intention to be open with your feelings and your posture. “It’s great if you can hold hands and have a heated conversation, but I don’t see that a lot,” she laughs. “It’s as simple as squaring off your shoulders and keeping your hands down so you’re literally exposing your heart to each other.”
