It’s a tale as old as time: One partner is satisfied in the bedroom, and the other is waiting for the right moment to introduce whipped cream and leather chaps. Sexual fantasies, whether old or newly acquired, aren’t always a sign that something in the relationship is amiss. “As people get older — and gain experience, and learn more about their wants, needs and bodies — what works will change,” says Charles J. Orlando, Seven Year Switch relationship expert. The trick is to talk before you act, and before you give up on your wildest dreams.
There are, explains Dr. Jessica Griffin of Seven Year Switch, two reasons to communicate what turns you on. “First, you deserve to have the best connection you can have. And second, you don’t want to be rejected should you decide to spontaneously bring this up in the moment,” she says. “Nothing is more deflating than surprising your spouse by showing up in a latex bodysuit to see the look of horror on their face.”
The conversation doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, Dr. Griffin suggests something as simple as, “Hey, I’m turned on by the idea of this fantasy and wondered what you think about that?” Ideally, your partner will be titillated by the prospect.
“But just because one partner’s needs have changed doesn’t mean the other person will automatically be receptive,” Orlando points out. If you’re met with a less-than-enthusiastic reaction, try to initiative an open, honest discussion about your wants and needs. “Depending on the fantasy, a compromise might be in order,” advises Orlando.
When reaching common ground seems impossible, Dr. Griffin doesn’t mince words: “If you feel like you cannot be sexually fulfilled in your current relationship unless your partner is willing to indulge said sexual fantasies, then do them a favor and end the relationship so that you both may find more satisfying relationships.”
But what if you’re on the receiving end of an uncomfortably kinky proposal? Keep your judgment — and dropped jaw or rolled eyes — to yourself. Orlando says, “If you aren’t open to what your partner wants, get real and discuss why, without making them feel like they aren’t wanted or valued.”
Dr. Griffin agrees, proposing further self-reflection. “Take a look at what makes you uncomfortable. Is there any element in which you feel unsafe, mistreated or disgusted?” she asks. Everyone has a line they wouldn’t cross in even the most loving conditions. “None of these feelings are sexy. None of them fuel a healthy relationship. If your partner is not okay with you saying ‘no,’ it’s time for a new partner.”
Whatever you do, don’t give your bedmate the brush off; ignoring a fantasy won’t make it go away. “Never discussing it again will likely build resentment and secrecy around it that can detract from other areas of your relationship,” says Dr. Griffin, pointing to trust, friendship, passion and even love as potential casualties. A dialogue may bring up uncomfortable or even hurtful truths, but the insight into your partner’s feelings can bring you closer together.
The bottom line is that healthy relationships thrive on communication and compromise, even between the sheets. Whipped cream may be off the table, but perhaps there’s room for leather chaps after all.
