Two new experts are bringing a different set of skills this season on Married at First Sight, and Pastor Calvin Roberson is providing the religious and spiritual guidance to our couples, helping them to create lasting and loving relationships. The pastor told us about his experience working with couples, and how he can send the newlyweds down the path to love in the experiment.
Welcome to the MAFS family! Can you explain a bit about your background and expertise?
Thank you, I was born in South Boston, Virginia. I received a BA in Theology (music minor) at Oakwood University in Huntsville, AL, an M.Div (Master in Divinity) from Andrews University in Michigan and [did my] doctoral studies at Ashland University. I began pastoring four churches in 1985 at 24 years old!
Pastoral counseling had been a large part of my education and soon became a huge part of my profession, with an emphasis in rebuilding relationships, whether in marriage or parental-child relationships, etc. Believing there was always a larger purpose to my life, I left pastoring and worked in finance as an NYSE representative for a decade. After leaving that profession, I became a corporate trainer. One of my clients was Duke Ellington School of Arts in Washington, D.C. Because of the relationship building I engaged them in, they asked me to become their Dean of Arts. Although, at the time this seemed like a departure from what I was trained to do, I can now see that all these experiences have only contributed in helping me to be well-rounded and well-prepared in the next phase of my life.
This happened in 2009, when my wife Wendy and I started the marriage coaching organization, Married and Naked, Inc. and held our first conference in Akron, Ohio. Since then we have helped many couples recover from the brink of divorce. All the training I’ve been privileged to experience has now come together to assist building relationships from various directions. Wendy and I still hold conferences, boot camps and some private counseling. We are currently planning a major conference in Atlanta in October. So building relationships and helping them succeed has become our life’s work.
What unique perspective do you think that you can bring to participants as a pastor?
A pastor, by definition is a shepherd of people. His or her job is to help guide people to become their absolute best selves. The ability to listen without judgement or ridicule, empathize sincerely and then assist in removing the personal baggage we all have, so we can see the beauty and success in our future is essential. But sometimes a part of that job requires me to be brutally honest. To use the shepherd analogy, if a sheep is about to go over a precipice, I would be professionally irresponsible if I only complimented the sheep instead of sternly warning him that he was about to destroy himself.
These “pastoral” skills are very important with the participants of MAFS. They are truly traveling blind, like sheep, in their marriages and need serious guidance and sensitivity to insure they don’t severely injure their relationships from fear, judgment or harsh communication.
Is there a difference between a participant that’s looking for someone spiritual and looking for someone religious?
There is absolutely a difference between looking for a spiritual vs. religious mate. The majority of individuals will refer to themselves as “spiritual,” which means they are aware that a “higher power” or God exists. They may or may not feel a need to respond to that power or to even continuously show acknowledgement through adoration or reverence.
A religious person has decided to respond to God or a higher power through church or temple attendance, worship or maybe a personal relationship. Because our beliefs often are a part of our core values, it is vital that participants are matched with someone who has complimentary convictions.
What do you think participants can take from the MAFS experiment?
This experiment is a transformative process. Because of the intensive analysis they are asked to go through, they learn a great deal of information about themselves and gain valuable insight into who they are, their strengths and challenges. For the person who is open to the experiment, this could be life-changing.
The potential for serious introspection and self-analysis is available to all the participants, but it requires an uncommon openness and willingness to find out some surprising facts about themselves. My hope is that everyone who enters this experiment will first have the desire to honestly be a better person and be willing to confront their true selves and act on what needs changing as well as celebrate what they have already accomplished.
What are the most important characteristics to look for when matchmaking?
To me the three most important characteristics are complete honesty, sincere commitment and reasonable flexibility. A person who is honest with themselves can be trusted in a relationship. Self-deception is more disastrous than trying to deceive another person. But when one is true to themselves and others they are ripe for a healthy relationship. Commitment is the ability to stay in a situation because you know it’s the right thing to do, even when you feel like leaving. We want participants who are not led by fluctuating feelings, but who are mature enough to stay until love can grow.
We all have our preferences, but in this experiment flexibility is essential. People who draw a hard line and refuse to see beyond their own opinion are seldom successful at any relationship, much less MAFS.
Did you take anything away from the experiment, participants or other experts that you can apply in your day-to-day work?
I have learned so much from the experiment as well as from the incredible professionals I work with. Dr. Pepper and Rachel are consummate professionals. Rachel and I are the newbies on the show. I for one have studied Dr. Pepper’s methods in dealing with persons and personalities. I am pleased to say I have been influenced by her wonderful blend of toughness and civility. Rachel is able to weave her way into the participants’ hearts and lives and build an amazing trust. The experiment has reaffirmed to me that people have a true need to find the love of their lives, and I hope they find it in [on] being MAFS.
To see Pastor Calvin Roberson bring his expertise to the couples, make sure that you watch Married at First Sight, Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30c.
**This interview was condensed and edited for FYI.tv**
